Volume 4 Episode 01

Just because it’s December doesn’t mean anything will change dramatically.

There are still tests, and I continue to call Sendai-san to this room.

Today as well, she obeyed my order and went home without asking about the results of the final exams that took place at the beginning of this month.

That’s why Sendai-san doesn’t know that my test scores were far better than expected. It’s not that I want her to know my results, but it feels unsatisfying that she insisted on seeing my mid-term grades yet hasn’t asked anything about the finals.

To begin with, it feels strange that Sendai-san, who even went as far as calling me to the music preparation room just to talk about university, hasn’t brought up the final exam results at all. She wanted to know which university I planned to apply to and even told me to apply to the same one, so it’s odd that she doesn’t seem to care about the outcome. It doesn’t feel like the same person who said vague-yet-specific things like how it would be fun to eat together if we went to the same university or somewhere nearby.

That said, it would also feel strange for me to go out of my way to tell her my grades, and I have no intention of volunteering that information.

In that case, the fact that Sendai-san isn’t asking and that I don’t plan to tell her means our thoughts align. Which means there’s no problem at all.

Thinking that it’s strange she didn’t ask about my test results is probably just something I’m imagining; normally no one would ask about such things, and they aren’t worth mentioning anyway. Her wanting to know my mid-term grades was probably just a whim, and she wasn’t that interested in the finals to begin with.

That must be it, and it should be fine.

I’m surely making too much of the test results.

That’s probably it, no doubt.

I put away the test papers spread out on the writing desk and raise the air conditioner temperature by one degree. The night is quiet, and the sound of the air blowing from the unit feels unusually loud in my ears. In a room with only me in it, even small sounds seem large.

 I pick up the desk calendar.

Now that December has begun, the last page has already been more than half used up, just as expected. This year has roughly two weeks left, and half of that will be winter break.

I sigh and turn the calendar face down.

Today has been sunny since morning, and even now it still isn’t raining.

No one is home, but I’m used to being alone. It’s normal for Sendai-san to come to this room after school and not for to be here at night.

I’m used to it.

I grab my smartphone and flop onto the bed.

Winter break is so close you could almost say it’s already here. Before that, there’s Christmas; the town is colorful, and the people walking around seem excited. Ami says she’ll meet her boyfriend on Christmas and forget about entrance exams just for that day. She looked happy when she said it.

I’m not very good with that kind of atmosphere.

As for me, I do have plans; I’ll hang out with Maika on Christmas like last year. But that’s all. We won’t exchange presents or anything; we’ll just spend the day normally. Even so, going out with Maika should be fun, and I am looking forward to it.

But not as much as last year.

I know the reason.

It’s because once Christmas is over, I have almost no plans.

Dad won’t be home much, as usual, and I have no arrangements with Sendai-san. Unlike the summer break when we rewrote the rules, my winter break schedule is completely blank, and I’m dissatisfied about that.

I slowly look at my phone’s screen.

Sendai-san, who has decided I’m a scaredy-cat, doesn’t call. The only time she called recently was when the rain and wind were terrible, so I know nights when she doesn’t call are the normal ones.

If it rains again.

The moment that thought comes up, I flip the phone over and place it beside my pillow.

“Hazuki.”

Her name slips out of my mouth without meaning to.

Even if I get into the same university as Maika, I won’t be able to meet Sendai-san like this anymore. After graduation, my right to order her around will disappear. Even if I make up reasons to see her, we won’t be able to be together all the time. No matter which university I choose, our relationship will not be the same as it is now.

But right now, it’s easy to see her, and it’s easy to create reasons to meet.

Even if it’s winter break.

Sendai-san and I aren’t the kind of relationship who meets on Christmas, but we are the kind that studies together. So I think it would be fine to study during winter break just like we did in summer break.

The rule about not meeting on holidays is practically nonexistent. We already broke it during summer break, so there’s no need to follow it in winter break. The break is short because the entrance exams are close, but we should be able to make time to meet once or twice. Thinking about summer break, it feels like meeting that much would be allowed.

Yet Sendai-san says nothing.

Even though winter break is almost here, she doesn’t mention teaching me or meeting up. She suddenly hugs me or holds my hand and does all sorts of strange things, but then leaves without saying the things she ought to say.

I reach from the edge of the bed and pull up the crocodile lying on the floor.

I stroke the crocodile and hold its hand.

The soft hand is unreliable and clearly not a human hand.

The crocodile tissue cover that I once made Sendai-san hold doesn’t move and never holds my hand back.

It’s obvious, but I find it boring.

This thing with tissues coming out of its back is just a tissue cover.

It isn’t Sendai-san.

I know that, yet I stroke its snout and bring my lips close.

I breathe out and, before my lips touch it, I return it to the floor.

No matter how much I hold the crocodile’s hand or bring my lips to it, it won’t turn into something else. Because of Sendai-san, the role of the crocodile has started to change, and it makes me sigh. Everything in this room is too close to Sendai-san and becomes a trigger for my thoughts to drift toward her. Because of that, thoughts I want to keep sunk are rising to the surface.

What if.

What if I asked her to teach me during winter break too—would Sendai-san teach me the same way she did in summer?

Really, she should be the one to say it.

If she’s going to tell me to apply to the same university or one nearby, then it’s only natural she should do at least that much. Wanting to touch Sendai-san, wanting to meet her during winter break—everything, everything is her fault, so she needs to take responsibility.

I pick up my smartphone and crawl under the futon. I bring up Sendai-san’s name on the screen. At this rate, my winter break schedule won’t get filled.

I no longer hesitate to break the rules, but I don’t think Sendai-san would simply agree if I asked her to teach me. Even if I offered five thousand yen and told her to teach me, I feel like she would refuse.

The five thousand yen I give as payment for orders is gradually losing its power.

I probably need to offer some kind of exchange instead.

For example—

The moment the “for example” starts to form in my head, I tie a weight to it and sink it back into the sea of thoughts.

“Ugh, this is such a pain.”

Along with my voice, I expel everything that was in my head.

There’s no reason to call her right now, and nothing to talk about anyway.

There’s still a little time until winter break.

No need to rush.

I curl up with the smartphone still in my hand.

✧✧✧✧✧

Just because the final exam results are out and winter break is approaching doesn’t mean the classroom is as excited as it was during summer break. Conversations typical of exam takers have increased, and the heavy talks have too, but on school days I can still call Sendai-san.

With or without a reason.

Until a little while ago, I only called her on days when something unpleasant happened, but that doesn’t matter anymore. I call Sendai-san on the days I want to call her.

Today I called her even though there was no particular reason.

Still, I think I deserve praise for avoiding the twenty-fourth and twenty-fifth and choosing December twenty-third as the last day we meet this semester.

Sendai-san probably has one or two plans for Christmas, and I have plans with Maika too. I also think we should avoid days that might be memorable, so I chose today.

I don’t know what Sendai-san thought about it.

I return to the room carrying a tray with tea for two and a plate of sweets, and place it on the table. As usual, I sit next to Sendai-san, who has taken off her blazer and undone the top two buttons of her blouse, and she points at the irregularly shaped but square sweets and says,

“What are these?”

“Fudge.”

“Fudge?”

“British sweets. My dad brought them home.”

“Are they good?”

It seems to be her first time eating it, so Sendai-san is staring intently at the fudge without putting it in her mouth.

“It’s apparently just a lump of butter, sugar, and milk.”

“Eh, isn’t that calorie count insane?”

“Probably is. When I ate some yesterday, it was ridiculously sweet.”

The brown lump looks a lot like caramel, but once you put it in your mouth it crumbles softly and is at least ten times sweeter than caramel. Still, it’s not just sweet; the rich milk flavor makes you want to eat more.

“That’s why I made black tea today.”

Sendai-san makes a face like she understands.

“Would barley tea have been better?”

“I’m fine with anything that isn’t carbonated, but Miyagi always drinks cider, so I thought it would be unusual.”

Saying that, she picks up one piece of fudge and continues, “It’s rare for you to bring out sweets too. A little early Christmas?”

“It’s not like that. I just put them out because they were at home.”

“I see.”

I thought she might tease me, but she doesn’t; she puts the fudge in her mouth in one bite. After swallowing it with a gulp, she raises her eyebrows slightly and says,

“It’s delicious, but I definitely think it’s the kind you must not eat a lot of.”

Sendai-san drinks her tea while letting it cool. When the teacup, now about one-third empty, is returned to the table, her hand reaches for the fudge again. However, her hand returns to the cup without picking up the caramel-like lump.

“Sendai-san. Open your mouth.”

When I hold up a piece of fudge to show her, Sendai-san takes her hand off the cup.

“An order?”

“Yes.”

When I confirm that it is an order, she opens her mouth as if she has no choice, and I bring the sweet closer.

I press the brown lump against her lips and, at the same time, touch her lips with my fingertips. I feel just a tiny bit of softness.

I have touched her skin many times along with the necklace I gave her.

Her lips are softer than that smooth skin.

I want to savor that softness more slowly, but I push the sugar-packed lump into Sendai-san’s mouth.

“Sweet.”

She mutters the same words I unintentionally said yesterday while chewing the sweet. I wait until the moment the fudge disappears from her mouth and pick up another piece.

“This one too.”

When I press it against her lips, Sendai-san obediently opens her mouth.

I push the caramel-colored sweet inside and stroke her lips with my fingertips more slowly than before. When her lips close and I still don’t move my finger away, she grabs my wrist.

“Miyagi, you eat some too.”

She says that before I can tell whether she has swallowed what was in her mouth, then lets go of my wrist. Because she reaches for the fudge, I take one of the brown sweets before her.

“I’ll eat by myself.”

I ate quite a few yesterday and three more today before Sendai-san came, so I don’t particularly want fudge. I brought them out mostly for her. But I don’t want to say the reason I prepared the sweets, and even if I said I didn’t need any she would probably try to feed me, so I put the overly sweet treat into my own mouth.

“Sweet.”

I say the exact same line I just heard from her a moment ago and drink some tea. Then Sendai-san quietly says,

“So Miyagi, are you going somewhere with Utsunomiya for Christmas?”

“Yes, but is Sendai-san going with Ibaraki-san?”

“Umino has a date. I wanted to say I’ll be studying, but I have plans to go out a little with some other friends.”

“I see.”

When I reply with words that feel like the conversation might end because nothing else comes to mind, Sendai-san moves her teacup to the edge of the table and starts lining up textbooks. That means there’s nothing more to talk about, and I can’t say anything.

She must know too that once today is over we won’t meet again until winter break ends. Yet she doesn’t ask about winter break. At the end of the first semester she kept saying all sorts of things about how I should spend summer break, so it feels unnaturally much that she isn’t asking now.

From beside me I hear only the sound of textbook pages turning and a pen running across a notebook.

I take a sip of tea.

In the end, Sendai-san never said she would tutor me like she did in summer break, and it doesn’t seem like she will today either. I stand up and sit on the edge of the bed.

I don’t have the confidence to talk while looking at her face.

“...Sendai-san, what are you doing over winter break?”

When I say it out loud, my voice is smaller than I expected, and I hate it.

“Studying.”

Without turning around, Sendai-san gives an answer that can only be described as obvious.

Of course, I think.

The entrance exams are close, and there’s no time to play around.

If she has time to teach someone else, she should study herself. I know that, but I don’t want this conversation to end.

“Is there nothing else you’re doing?”

“I don’t think so. I’ll probably go to the first shrine visit of the year with Umino and the others.”

Sendai-san says a name I really don’t want to hear when it comes to winter break.

—If she has time to go to the first shrine visit with Ibaraki-san.

If she has that much time, she could spare a little for me too.

“Sendai-san. Come here and sit next to me.”

“Next to you?”

Sendai-san turns around.

“Yes, sit next to me. Didn’t you hear?”

“I heard you, but the conversation jumped to a weird place from talking about winter break. So, is that an order?”

“An order.”

When I say it clearly, Sendai-san stands up with an expression like she has no choice and sits down beside me. My heart jumps at Sendai-san’s body heat, now closer than before.

The room that should have been just the right temperature feels hot, and I want to lower the air conditioner.

“I’m sitting, but what’s next?”

“Close your eyes.”

“Why?”

The order to close her eyes is ignored, and Sendai-san stares straight at me.

When I unintentionally look away, my eyes land on the small moon shining at the chest of her uniform.

“If you won’t close them, that’s fine.”

I say it while still looking at the necklace I ordered her to wear until graduation.

“Don’t throw it halfway, give the order properly.”

“Properly how?”

“Like, ‘Close your eyes because I want to kiss you.’ That’s what I mean.”

I’m dissatisfied.

Nothing but dissatisfied.

There’s no mistake that what I’m going to do to Sendai-san with her eyes closed is a kiss, but the way she says it makes it sound like I’m the one who desperately wants to kiss her.

But that’s not it.

The kiss I’m about to give isn’t because I want to; it’s for Sendai-san, who always wants to kiss. So her words are wrong.

“Miyagi, you want to kiss me, right?”

When I stay silent, Sendai-san says it as if she’s decided that’s the case and grabs my hand, so I raise my gaze.

“That’s not it. ...But close your eyes.”

This kiss has to be done today.

If I wait until next time, it will be after winter break, and that would be meaningless.

I take back the hand that was held and grab her blouse. Instead of giving an order, I lightly pull on what I grabbed, and she closes her eyes.

I slowly bring my face closer.

Even though I kissed her countless times during summer break, I’m nervous as if this is the first time. My heart is making a sound about three times louder than usual.

I look at Sendai-san one last time before she closes her eyes.

When she’s quiet, I think she’s beautiful.

Her neatly shaped eyebrows, eyelashes that aren’t especially long but are longer than mine. The lips that always tease me are glossy, and I know they’re soft to the touch. The feeling from touching them with my fingertips earlier still lingers. I prefer her eyes when they’re looking at me rather than closed, but it would be troublesome if she opened them now.

So I kiss her before Sendai-san can open her eyes.

I quietly bring my face close and overlap our lips, and the sensation comes through much more clearly than when I touched them with my finger.

Soft, warm, and just touching feels good.

I want to be even closer to Sendai-san. But I can’t keep them pressed together forever, so I separate our lips. Then I bury my face in her shoulder.

“...Come teach me during winter break.”

I can’t say it loudly, but I say what I wanted to say today.

I don’t think my kiss has that much value, but since Sendai-san has wanted to kiss several times before, it should at least serve as material for an exchange.

“During the break, the rule is we don’t meet, right?”

I hear her voice by my ear. But the words she said are different from what I was thinking.

“You break the rules too, Sendai-san.”

“So Miyagi wants to break them too?”

Sendai-san lightly pulls my hair.

“That’s not it.”

“Then it’s a request to me?”

“No.”

“Then— the kiss just now wasn’t an order or a request, it was an exchange condition?”

I hate Sendai-san for asking even though she already knows.

“If you don’t like it, fine.”

“I didn’t say I don’t like it. I just said if it’s an exchange condition, give me a proper kiss.”

Saying that, Sendai-san hugs me while my forehead is still resting on her shoulder.