Volume 5 Episode 10

I hadn’t returned the skirt.

I realized it in the changing room, yet I couldn’t bring myself to go back to Sendai-san’s room now.

I take off my clothes and look at myself in the mirror.

From a body without a single mark left on it, I can tell that Sendai-san listened to what I said.

Everything that just happened could have been nothing more than a dream of mine.

If someone told me that, I’d believe it, so completely are there no traces of Sendai-san on my body.

I run my fingers over my neck.

Even though there shouldn’t be anything there, I feel as if a mark might remain.

Not just on my neck.

It feels like something has been left behind everywhere Sendai-san pressed her lips, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t think about anything else properly.

Sendai-san’s voice, her breathing, the sensation of her hands.

Everything I was feeling only moments ago still lingers inside my head and occupies most of my thoughts.

From now on, for the next few hours, maybe even longer.

Several days, perhaps a week.

I don’t know how long it will last, but it seems I’ll end up thinking of nothing but her, and I hate that.

I don’t want her intruding into my time.

I knew what would happen if I gave permission to Sendai-san, but I never imagined my mind would be so completely filled with her.

I let out a quiet breath, then remove my underwear and step into the bathroom.

When I notice there’s no water in the bathtub, I turn on the shower.

"Cold!"

What comes out is unmistakably cold water. I hurriedly stop the stream soaking my feet.

Even if it’s a hot day in May, I have no intention of taking a cold shower.

My head might need cooling down, but the heat has already left my body, and my uneven breathing has settled.

This much is fine.

I’m okay.

I breathe in and out quietly.

Unlike the last day of summer vacation, today isn’t some decisive turning point.

It was certainly memorable, but it shouldn’t become something I remember by its exact date like I did last summer.

It shouldn’t turn into that kind of memory.

But I don’t think I can make excuses.

That day could later be dismissed as impulse or a whim.

Before winter break, my chest was seen, but that came as part of the exchange condition of being taught how to study.

The fact that I touched Sendai-san myself during winter break could also be rationalized, if I wanted to make excuses.

Today there was no momentum, no whim, and no exchange condition, yet I didn’t choose to refuse.

I knew exactly what would happen, and I decided to allow it.

It doesn’t feel entirely clean, but since it was my own choice, that’s fine.

The part of me that desperately wants an excuse has to be suppressed.

Still, I’m surprised by how much I’ve changed.

I never thought I’d make sounds like that, and I never thought my body would respond that way.

And

I never thought it would feel that good.

I thought I understood everything, but in truth, I understood nothing.

I carefully turn on the water again.

After confirming the stream from the shower is neither too hot nor too lukewarm, I let it fall over my body.

I’ve never done the same thing with anyone else, so I don’t know whether anyone would end up like that.

But surely, probably, the reason it felt so good was because it was Sendai-san, and I think it would’ve been better if I’d never realized that.

When I began buying Sendai-san's time for five thousand yen, we made a promise that we wouldn't have sex. 

I don't know whether what we did today can even be called sex, but it feels as though we've wandered far from the promise we made back then.

"Lick my feet."

That was the command I gave Sendai-san today, something high school me had told her many times before. But what followed was different.

What you don't know unsettles you.

After Sendai-san entered university, she took a part-time job and started placing it above me.

The words "part-time job," which introduced a version of Sendai-san I didn't recognize, were never the words I found interesting. Yet watching her obey me made me feel as though that foreign element called "part-time job" was somehow neutralized by the part of her that hadn't changed, and I could accept it, if only a little.

That's why I agreed to become a dress-up doll as a condition in exchange for giving commands, but I never imagined it would end like this.

If I'd known it would turn out that way, I would never have allowed it.

I used to think that perhaps someday I might permit something like that, but that day wasn't supposed to be today.

And yet Sendai-san swore on her piercing that if I didn't give permission her now, she'd absolutely never do anything like this again, and my resolve wavered.

"...What should I do tomorrow?"

I turn off the water.

How I responded to what Sendai-san did to me.

She knows all of it.

There's no way the person who was touching me wouldn't know.

I was the one who created the trigger, but I didn't want Sendai-san to realize that I'd reacted like that.

If I could, I'd erase her memory of it, but I don't have any magical power like that.

Since we live together, even if I adjust our schedules to avoid each other, it's impossible not to see her for the rest of our lives. And it's not as though I never want to see her again.

"...I'm the worst."

The way Sendai-san kept calling my name earlier wasn't the way someone calls a roommate.

Her voice, brushing against my ears, felt so good that I stopped her because I didn't want to hear any more of it. And yet now I find myself wanting to hear that voice again.

But wanting to hear it again would mean repeating what we did today.

Impossible.

I can't let Sendai-san see that version of me again.

I also want to know what kind of voice she'd make if I touched her, but I don't think she'd obediently let me.

The thoughts drifting through my mind aren't decent, and I realize I'm changing into someone strange.

If things go on like this, I don't know what kind of expression I should wear when I see her tomorrow.

I wish tomorrow would never come.

"Sendai-san, you idiot, idiot, idiot!"

You said we were roommates, didn't you?

On the day of our graduation ceremony, Sendai-san definitely said that.

So from the moment we came here, she's been my roommate, and for the next four years she was supposed to remain my roommate.

But what we did today isn't something roommates do.

Sendai-san said casually, "What's wrong with roommates doing it?" but after hearing sounds from each other that we'd never heard before, I don't know whether we can remain the same from now on.

The word "roommate" didn't exist back in high school.

It's like a ticket that allows us to live together for four years.

If that word were to disappear, I feel as though this life we've built might vanish before those four years are over.

I could live without Sendai-san.

But if she weren't here, It would weigh on my mind.

I want to know everything I don't know.

Her presence unsettles me when she's right beside me, yet when she's gone I don't know what to do with myself. That's why there was supposed to be a clear ending at graduation, a clean break to a relationship that should've ended there. And yet I'm still continuing it.

Even so, I feel lost with myself for thinking such things at all.

I wash my body, put on the sweatshirt I use as pajamas, and step out of the changing area.

Sendai-san isn't in the shared space.

I pour barley tea into a glass and carry it back to my room.

After drinking half of it, I move the black cat from the bookshelf to the spot beside my pillow and lie down on the bed.

Sendai-san is just beyond the other side of the wall.

I wonder what she's thinking about right now.

The Sendai-san I don't know, and the version of me she doesn't know.

Today, we each learned things about the other that we'd never known before.

I don't know whether learning about this side of Sendai-san, the one I could never have known until now, is a good thing. I might regret it later, or I might not. I can't picture what will happen from here.

But the fact that I'm the only one left feeling embarrassed doesn't sit well with me. It feels like I'm always the one who ends up in situations like this.

I press my lips against the black cat's forehead.

No.

I don't want to keep thinking only about Sendai-san like this.

I could think about university, or about Maika. Anything else would be fine.

But even though I try to think about something different, I feel this hollow space because the warmth that was so close just a little while ago is gone now.

This isn't like me.

I still don't plan on sleeping yet, but I squeeze my eyes shut anyway.

Sendai-san naturally surfaces in my mind, and I let out a quiet breath.

✧✧✧✧✧

"So, what happened?"

The moment I step into the room, Maika asks.

Whenever I usually come over to her place, she asks, "Want something to drink?" first. But today, drinks seem to be the last thing on her mind.

"Can I at least put my bag down before I start talking?"

I ask the room's owner, Maika.

"Sure, but you promised, so tell me what happened."

"Okay."

I set my bag down beside the table and sit at the edge of the soft rug.

I've come to hang out in Maika's room many times since starting university, but thinking about what I have to answer now makes me feel slightly nervous.

"So tell me the reason. Was it really a fight?"

Maika sits across from me and looks straight at me.

The "reason" she's asking about is why I showed up at university carrying so much luggage, and more specifically, why I asked to stay over at her place.

When I asked her in the lecture hall, "Can I stay over tonight?" I explained, "I had a fight with my roommate," but she didn't take that as the whole story.

But there's no way I can tell her the truth, that I ran away from Sendai-san because of something that should never happen between roommates.

I've told Maika that I live with a relative, so if I mention Sendai-san's name now, everything will become complicated.

"There were... various things. It kind of turned into a fight, I guess."

Even I'm startled by how awkward the lie sounds, and it makes my chest ache.

I don't want to keep secrets from Maika, but I don't have the confidence to neatly explain how I ended up living with Sendai-san while concealing everything that happened between us in the past.

And I don't have the courage to tell her everything either.

That's how I always am.

I never have enough courage. The courage to look at Sendai-san’s face in the morning.

The courage to sit down and eat dinner together at night.

Because I lack that kind of courage, I left the apartment before Sendai-san woke up. I know nothing will be resolved simply by running away from her, and it’s not that I don’t want to see her. But no matter how much I think about it, I still have no idea what sort of expression I should wear or what kind of conversation I should have with Sendai-san.

“That’s why I’m asking you to tell me what all those ‘various things’ are.”

Maika flashes an exaggerated smile and presses me, adding, “I’m letting Shiori stay in this tiny room, after all.”

Just as she says, Maika’s place is a small one-room apartment. Still, because she keeps it so meticulously tidy, I’ve never once felt that it was cramped. It even seems as though there’d be no issue adding one more person like me. But as the one being allowed to stay, I’ve no right to complain, and I feel I should at least offer her a proper explanation. Even so, starting from the fact that my roommate is Sendai-san and working all the way up to what happened yesterday is something I simply can’t summon the courage to do.

“It really was a fight, I swear.”

I decide to cling to the first lie I told.

“Shiori, you’re not the type who gets into fights, though.”

“She’s family, and I guess I said some things that went a bit too far.”

“So it was your fault, Shiori?”

“Hmm… I don’t think it’s really about whose fault it was. It’s more like I just want to cool my head for a while.”

I can’t tell whether she’s convinced, but Maika hums softly and studies me.

“Shiori. When you say you want to cool your head, how long is ‘a while’?”

“A while is… just a while.”

“If you’re planning to stay here until your head cools down, then tell me properly.”

She says it in a serious tone.

“…Maybe three weeks.”

After saying that, I look at Maika and quickly amend it. “…Or two weeks would be fine.”

“Either way, isn’t that rather long?”

“Then one week. Even three days would be fine. Please let me stay.”

“I don’t mind whether it’s two weeks or three. But the longer a fight drags on, the harder it is to make up, you know? Wouldn’t it be better to go home sooner?”

Her voice is gentle, yet firm, and I realize Maika isn’t reluctant to let me stay. She’s genuinely worried about me. The ache in my chest, which had felt like a needle prick, now feels as though someone’s driving a stake straight through it.

“…I know, but…”

When I think about what happened yesterday, even if I don’t go back today, Sendai-san would probably consider it normal. Still, I do think it would be better to return home sooner rather than later. The more days that pass, the more difficult it’ll become to go back, and I can’t keep taking advantage of Maika’s kindness forever.

Besides, I was thinking about Sendai-san even today.

When she woke up this morning and noticed I wasn’t there, what did she think?

Is she thinking about me at university right now?

Does she want to do that kind of thing again?

All sorts of thoughts drift through my mind. My emotions rise and fall, and in the end, I remain here in Maika’s room instead of going home.

“Well, it’s fun having you here, so I don’t mind you staying. But you should really think it through. For now, I’ll grab something, so just sit there.”

With that, Maika stands up.

As I watch her open the refrigerator, I feel the urge to ask what you’re supposed to do when you’ve ended up in a physical relationship with your roommate. But if I ask, it seems like explaining who that roommate is and how things came to this would take far longer than any advice she could offer. So I bury even the idea of pretending it’s about “a friend I know” deep in my heart and collapse onto the rug.

At the very least, I want to take Maika’s words, “you should really think about it carefully,” to heart and figure out what I can do to keep spending time with Sendai-san the way we used to. But whenever I think about her, the memory of Sunday comes with it, and my mind simply shuts down. 

“Plum or orange, which do you want? By the way, the plum juice is a new product.”

Maika returns and explains what’s in the glass she’s brought me while I’m sprawled out.

“Orange juice.”

I hear the glass touch the table with a soft clink, and I push myself up.

“Shiori.”

“What?”

“The person you fought with, or rather, the person you live with… is he actually your boyfriend or something?”

Maika, now seated back in her original spot, looks at me with oddly serious eyes.

“Why would you think that?”

I stare at her, completely thrown off by words I never anticipated.

“You’re not denying it.”

“I am denying it.”

“That’s not a proper denial. Suspicious.”

“It’s not suspicious.”

I take a sip of the orange juice and add, “He’s not my boyfriend,” but all I receive in response is a flat “Heh.” She clearly doesn’t believe me at all.

“That piercing isn’t actually for your boyfriend either, right?”

She says it teasingly, then reaches out and lightly taps my earlobe. It tickles, so I pull away with a small “It’s not,” and her finger leaves my ear.

I watch the tip of Maika’s finger as she giggles.

Sendai-san touched my ear too, but the sensation was completely different from when Maika did.

I lift a hand and touch my own ear.

Of course, it’s nothing like when Sendai-san touched it. Her hand felt different from anyone else’s. On Sunday, Sendai-san’s hand was definitely…

The memory begins to surface again, so I force it back down into my stomach with a swallow of orange juice.

The piercing in the hole I made in my body is nothing compared to how deeply Sendai-san has entered the innermost part of my heart. If I lower my guard even slightly, her face immediately tries to rise to the surface.

“Shiori, this is delicious. Want a sip?”

From across the table, Maika sets her glass in front of me. The lightly tinted transparent liquid sways. Maybe because she mentioned plum earlier, I feel as though I can catch a refreshing, tart scent.

“No thanks.”

I don’t dislike plum, but I return the glass to her.

“Okay.”

At the exact moment Maika speaks, my phone rings. I take it out of my bag. When I glance at the screen, there’s yet another message from Sendai-san. “What happened this morning?”

I don’t want to see Sendai-san at all right now, and yet at the same time, I want to see her as soon as possible.

My feelings are still a tangled mess, so I put the phone back in my bag without replying.

“That was the person you fought with, right?”

Maika takes a sip of her plum juice.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Are you really not going home today?”

“Let me stay over tonight.”

“You can stay as long as you want, but you should make up with them soon.”

I don’t know whether she truly believes me or not, but Maika says it gently.

“Yeah.”

After hesitating for a moment, I take my phone out once more.

“Sorry. I’m not coming home today.”

I don’t want Sendai-san to worry.

I send only the bare minimum she needs to know, then slip my phone back into my bag.