Volume 4 Episode 07

The promised six days from then is tomorrow, and it weighs heavily on me.

Calling Sendai-san.

Just that simple act makes me melancholy.

When Sendai-san asked about the test results and I answered “so-so,” that was a lie.

I think I did worse than “so-so.” I thought I could have done better, so I didn’t want to call it so-so, and it wouldn’t be fun if I told her the truth and she was disappointed.

So, just as Sendai-san breaks promises, I lied to her too.

I hate this version of myself.

Green peppers, broccoli, garland chrysanthemum.

Among the vegetables lined up at the supermarket I stopped by on the way home, the ones I hate stand out, and I feel the same way about myself. I can’t like it.

I hate parsley too, and Sendai-san.

It would have been good if I could have truly hated her.

In the end, Sendai-san never said she hated me.

I let out a sigh, put retort food and instant ramen into the basket, and head to buy cider, then stop.

I go back to the vegetable section and toss potatoes and carrots into the basket.

It would be nice if there were vegetables that made you smarter.

While wandering around the supermarket, I try to remember.

I heard somewhere that fish contains ingredients that make you smarter. But I don’t like fish. And even if I could eat it, I know my brain wouldn’t suddenly get smarter.

I also know it’s too late to panic now.

Still, I want to cling to something, like praying to a god.

If I’m going to the same university as Maika, the next exam is the real one, so if that goes well, there’s no problem. My grades are improving, and the teacher says it’s worth trying.

But I can’t trust the teacher or myself.

I can’t even trust Sendai-san.

I wish I had unshakable confidence.

If I could believe I’ll pass the university and believe in Sendai-san, it feels like even after graduation I could keep meeting her as always. But in reality, I don’t know if I’ll pass the university I want, and Sendai-san breaks promises all the time.

If I can’t get into the same university as Maika.

I’ll end up staying here.

Ami will stay here too, so I won’t be completely alone. I can just keep in touch with Maika, and failing the exam doesn’t mean the world ends. I’d just continue the life I originally planned.

But I think it wouldn’t be fun.

If I take the exam, I want to pass, and if I fail, I’ll feel bad. I don’t want to be forcibly separated from Sendai-san because of external reasons I didn’t choose. If that’s going to happen, it would be better if I left Sendai-san myself before graduation.

That day.

If Sendai-san had said she hated me, I thought I could leave her before the promised day.

I stand in front of the plastic bottle shelf and think. I reach for the cider and stop.

It’s not that I want to prioritize Sendai-san, but of the two bottles in the fridge, there was slightly less barley tea.

“Two bottles would be heavy.”

Thinking about carrying everything home, putting both in the basket is out of the question. I give up on cider, put barley tea in the basket, and before heading to the register, grab a pack of beef.

Ever since I started eating with Sendai-san, my tongue has become spoiled. Retort food and instant ramen are delicious, but things made by people are even more delicious. I had forgotten that since Mom disappeared.

If I’m going to eat anyway, I want to eat tastier food.

The problem is that the only person who seems likely to make me tasty food is Sendai-san.

Before I knew it, Sendai-san has become part of what makes me who I am. Looking back, my mental calendar is filled with marks I don’t remember putting, and even my sense of taste has marks. Most of them were put there by Sendai-san without permission, but I can recall each one.

The word “hate” seemed like it could have been an eraser for memories.

It was supposed to scrub away the marks secretly added to my calendar, erase everything written about Sendai-san, and take me back to before I handed her five thousand yen at the bookstore.

But I couldn’t get that eraser.

Instead, I gained Sendai-san’s body temperature as she hugged me and the next promise, and now I’m spending today steeped in melancholy.

I exhale, pay, and leave the supermarket.

Late January, I walk through a town with cold wind blowing. The bag in my right hand is heavy.

Since I started eating with Sendai-san, the amount I buy has increased. At times like this, I think it would be nice if Sendai-san were beside me carrying the bags. Almost half of this is stuff she’ll eat, so she should do that much. But to actually have her carry them, I’d need to add a rule about shopping together, and that’s troublesome.

If this is going to continue in the future, it might be better to change the rules, but there’s little time left. I don’t particularly want to shop with Sendai-san or have her carry bags even if we change the rules, so the status quo should be fine.

That’s what I think, yet my right hand feels unusually heavy.

I keep thinking it would be nice if Sendai-san carried half the load.

Because this impossible thought won’t go away, even my head starts feeling heavy.

We promised not to meet after graduation, and I don’t know if I’ll pass the same university as Maika.

Still, if. If I manage to enter the same university as Maika. Since I’m a liar anyway, it should be fine to turn past promises into lies too. I swing the heavy bag hard and quicken my pace.

No. Thinking that a liar like me can just lie again is itself a lie.

“This makes no sense.”

[T/N- You tell me.]

Even I get confused by my own thoughts.

It’s just because the wind is cold and my head isn’t working properly.

Under the gray sky, I quicken my pace a little more. It doesn’t feel much faster, but my cheeks exposed to the wind feel like they might freeze. Maybe because of the barley tea, the bag digs into my hand. I hurry home to the apartment and put everything from the bag into the fridge.

I return to my room, turn on the air conditioner, and change clothes. Then I lie straight down on the bed. From under the black cat placed by my pillow, I pull out the manga Sendai-san was reading five days ago.

I flip through the pages. My feelings have been unsteady the whole time. Tomorrow, I don’t want to meet Sendai-san, and I do want to meet Sendai-san.

I’m not stupid enough not to realize these feelings contradict each other. Lately, the feeling of not wanting to meet and the feeling of wanting to meet have been mixing together.

If I meet her, I’ll want to meet again next time.

Then I think it would be better not to meet, but even if I don’t meet, I still want to.

Continually thinking like this is painful.

I can’t help thinking that if I could go back to this time last year, things would be different. If I could rewind time, I would end my relationship with Sendai-san before the class change. Then I could choose a university without overthinking anything and just live here. After all, I still think Sendai-san should have told me she hated me. She is always so awful. I close the manga I was just flipping through and lightly tap the black cat’s head.

The cat neither meows nor complains like Sendai-san would.

Boring.

I tap the black cat’s head once more.

I think the part of me that doesn’t want tomorrow to come yet but also wishes it would hurry up should just disappear.

✧✧✧✧✧

I come home from school and kill the empty time with studying. Doing something the me from a year ago probably wouldn’t have done, the intercom rings. As promised six days later, I had sent Sendai-san a message before starting to study saying “Come now,” so it has to be her.

I move the black cat that had been left by my pillow to the bookshelf.

When I check the intercom, Sendai-san’s figure appears on the monitor.

Later than I expected.

“Now” means “right away,” meaning come quickly.

A fair amount of time has passed since I sent the message.

I complain over the intercom and unlock the entrance. After a while, the doorbell rings again. When I open the door, Sendai-san comes in while voicing her dissatisfaction.

“I did hurry, for the record.”

Say you hate me.

She can’t possibly have forgotten that I said that, yet Sendai-san looks at me with her usual face.

“You were slow.”

“If you wanted me any faster, I’d have to fly here.”

“If you can fly, then fly next time.”

Because Sendai-san is acting normal, I complain the usual way too.

I am surprisingly naturally accepting this day when I couldn’t get the “hate” eraser. I don’t think that’s a good thing, but I can’t think of a new way to get the eraser.

“If Miyagi flies, I’ll fly next time too.”

Sendai-san says it in an annoyed tone and takes off her shoes.

I start to hand her the five-thousand-yen bill and let out a small breath.

This five thousand yen is to buy Sendai-san’s time.

I don’t feel it’s a waste.

But I am curious what would happen if I didn’t give it.

Sendai-san once asked me, “What if I said I didn’t need it?”

Maybe I should have asked what she meant that day. I want to know what would have happened if I had accepted her words and not given her the five thousand yen.

“Sendai-san.”

Us without payment.

Imagining a little further ahead than now, I hesitate whether to hand over the five-thousand-yen bill. But I quickly hold it out in front of Sendai-san.

“Here.”

As usual, the edge of the bill is pulled, and my fingers reflexively tense. But before she can say anything, I hurriedly let go. Even without the five thousand yen, to this house…

Even without the eraser, it’s a phrase I should have erased.

“Thanks.”

Sendai-san puts away the five thousand yen.

I don’t think I have any value to a me who doesn’t pay. Without payment, I can’t buy Sendai-san’s time, and she won’t obey orders. If she doesn’t obey orders, there’s no need for her to come to this house.

“I’ll get drinks.”

I turn my back to Sendai-san.

“Okay, I’ll wait.”

I go to the kitchen and prepare two glasses. When I open the fridge, there are the two nearly empty plastic bottles and the new barley tea I bought yesterday. I take out the cider and the new barley tea and pour them into the glasses. I put them on a tray and return to the room; Sendai-san is sitting in her usual spot.

“Make dinner today.”

I say it while placing the glasses on the table and sit beside Sendai-san.

“That’s today’s order?”

Something worth the five thousand yen.

A promise that won’t be broken.

If I could buy those, I could trust Sendai-san. Even if we go to different universities, I could believe it would be okay to occasionally eat together or go somewhere together like she says. But I can’t say that, and I can’t give an order that binds her for life with five thousand yen. And it’s not an order I, who tried to push Sendai-san away, can give.

“Yes. Make anything.”

I give an order worth the five thousand yen and look at Sendai-san.

“Anything? The fridge isn’t empty, right?”

“It’s not.”

“Can I check the fridge first?”

“Okay, but I’m coming too.”

When I reply, Sendai-san stands up, leaving the reference books spread on the table. I go to the kitchen with her.

When I turn on the lights in the living room and kitchen, Sendai-san opens the fridge. She looks inside intently, then checks the freezer and vegetable drawer before turning around.

“You like potatoes and carrots?”

“They’re normal. Why do you think that?”

“They’re always here, so I thought you liked them.”

“They’re not always here. I just bought them because I didn’t know what else to get.”

“Buy things you want to eat.”

“I don’t know what I want to eat.”

I just eat whatever.

Because I’ve continued that kind of eating, even when I want something made, I don’t know what I want made. I don’t even know what I want to eat.

And because I never got interested in cooking, I became a high school student without knowing what to buy to make what.

“Then how about we go shopping together? It’s easier to decide the dish first and then buy the ingredients than to decide the dish from whatever ingredients are here.”

Sendai-san says it in a bright voice, as if she just thought of something good, though it’s not that impressive. Shopping together and splitting the heavy bags on the way home. That’s what I thought about yesterday; I didn’t expect Sendai-san to say something similar. Listening to her voice makes it feel like even after graduation we might stand in the kitchen together like this. But that’s an impossible future.

“If you insist that much, you buy them, Sendai-san. I’ll give you the money.”

“Is going together not an option?”

“No.”

When I’m with Sendai-san, going back to being alone starts to feel scary. Strictly speaking, even if Sendai-san disappears, I’m not alone. I have friends, and when I will go to university I’ll make friends there too. That should be the case, yet I feel like if she disappears I’ll be all alone.

I’m leaning terribly toward Sendai-san. It feels like I’m standing only because I’m using her as a support, and I think if she disappears I won’t be able to stand on my own.

That would be a problem, so I have to do alone what I can do alone.

“Then keep buying them yourself like always.”

Sendai-san sighs theatrically and heads to the living room. Then, even though we’re not eating yet, she sits on the chair in front of the counter table.

“Anyway, instead of paying me to cook, wouldn’t you get tastier food from some kind of housekeeping service?”

Sendai-san starts talking casually and doesn’t seem like she’s planning to return to the room, so I reluctantly stand beside her.

“I don’t like strangers in the house.”

After Mom disappeared, for a while there were people coming in and out to prepare meals and clean. I don’t know if that was a housekeeping service, but I clearly remember I could never relax when strangers were in the house.

“I’m a stranger too.”

“Sendai-san is…”

Special, I almost say, then stop.

That isn’t a casual word.

“Am what?”

Sendai-san smiles.

“You’re a stranger, but you were in the same class, so it’s fine.”

“That means it could be anyone from our class?”

“Who cares about that. Anyway, have you decided what to make?”

I change the subject to escape Sendai-san’s gaze that looks like she wants to say something.

“Not yet.”

“Decide quickly.”

Today’s menu doesn’t matter at all.

If we’re going to spend time, it would be better spent studying. But Sendai-san seems more concerned about dinner than studying and is thinking seriously beside me.

“Even if you tell me to hurry, we’ve already made curry and stew so many times. Hmm, how about nikujaga*? Oh, but we don’t have onions.”

[T/N*- Japanese meat and potato stew] 

Among the words Sendai-san mutters to herself, I find something I want to eat.

“You can make nikujaga?”

“You want that?”

“If you can make it.”

“I don’t know the recipe, so I’ll look it up. It might not be tasty without onions.”

“Make it tasty even without onions.”

I don’t care that an ingredient is missing.

But even if something is missing, I’d prefer it still tastes decent.

“I’ll do my best, but no guarantees.”

Sendai-san stands up and returns to the kitchen. After checking the fridge contents and seasonings, she says she’s going back to the room.

The nikujaga was delicious.

It’s unfortunate that it became memorable because I can’t make it myself, but tasting good isn’t a bad thing.

Sendai-san ate, studied, and went home.

Since then, the unused vegetables have been sleeping in the fridge.

Sendai-san has come to my room again and is writing with her pen beside me.

We ate nikujaga at the end of January, and now it’s February.

In less than a month, graduation will arrive whether we want it or not.

Spending time with Sendai-san in this room.

Thinking about how much of that time remains makes me depressed.

“Miyagi, shouldn’t we take a break soon?”

Sendai-san pokes me.

“Fine.”

More than two hours have passed since she came to this room. I feel impatient that I need to study. But panicking won’t suddenly make me able to do things I couldn’t, and my concentration won’t last either.

I release the pen I was holding and look beside me.

It hasn’t been that long since I last saw her, but it feels like it has.

Probably because I haven’t gone to school since February started.

Both Maika and Ami said they wouldn’t go during optional attendance, and I didn’t feel like going to a school I didn’t have to attend. Optional attendance has only just begun, but if I don’t go to school, I don’t even pass Sendai-san in the halls. If I don’t call her like this, I don’t see her face, so I must feel like I haven’t seen her in a while.

“What do you do during optional attendance, Miyagi?”

Sendai-san says as if she just remembered.

“Study.”

I don’t like it, but I can’t relax if I don’t do it. So I study reluctantly.

“Right. School?”

“I’m not going. Maika and Ami aren’t going either, so it’s boring. You’re not going either, right, Sendai-san?”

She is in casual clothes today, not uniform. That means she came from home, not school, so I won’t see her even if I go.

“Well, yeah.”

Sendai-san answers without energy.

When I look at her notebook spread on the table, neat characters are lined up. Some letters spill outside the lines, but I think it’s pretty handwriting.

Just like her appearance.

Her appearance is neat, and even the parts that break school rules are arranged so neatly that teachers don’t scold her.

When I’m beside her, I can’t help thinking it would be nice if I could be like Sendai-san.

Able to write neatly, good at studying, good-looking.

If I could become like that, I feel like I could have a little more confidence.

I quietly exhale so Sendai-san won’t hear and approach the bed to use it as a backrest. The writing in the notebook disappears from view. I close my eyes tightly, stretch a little, and open them. I see Sendai-san’s long hair. Though she isn’t in uniform today, unlike winter break she’s wearing a blouse, not a turtleneck. But her long hair gets in the way, and I can’t see her neck well.

Her unbraided hair is pretty, but I can’t tell if she’s wearing the necklace.

I reach out and lightly pull her hair.

“What?”

Sendai-san looks at me. Since I’m paying five thousand yen today as payment for orders, I can check whether she’s wearing the necklace.

I tangle my fingers in her hair once more and let go. She must be wearing it. She never hasn’t before.

“Nothing.”

I answer shortly and move away from the bed I was leaning against. Sendai-san undoes one button of her blouse. Before I can ask why, the necklace is pulled out.

“Here.”

She says it casually and looks at me.

“I didn’t ask to see it.”

“You looked like you were going to.”

“I wasn’t going to ask, and I wasn’t even thinking about it.”

“I see.”

Sendai-san says it in a bored way and puts the necklace away. But she leaves the blouse button undone and pulls the hood of my hoodie.

“You remember the promise to tell me if you pass?”

“I remember.”

Of course I remember.

I’m probably anxious because I made that promise with Sendai-san.

If I fail.

I’ll have to tell Sendai-san I didn’t pass.

Since the promise is to tell if I pass, I probably don’t have to say anything if I fail, but not saying anything would make it obvious I failed, so there’s no choice to stay silent. If I have to tell Sendai-san anyway, I want to say I passed.

“How are the exams looking?”

Sendai-san asks without changing her tone.

“Fine.”

“Then good.”

It’s not “then good.”

I have no idea what’s good about it.

I’m lying about being fine, and as always I have no confidence.

Sendai-san doesn’t notice that.

I know it’s impossible to expect her to notice feelings I never voiced. Still, I think Sendai-san should notice how I feel.

“Sendai-san, cast a charm on me.”

“That’s today’s order?”

“Yes.”

“The charm, is it the same one as last time?”

“It works, right?”

I know perfectly well that the “charm” Sendai-san did last time wasn’t really a charm.

It was just mischief meant to trouble me, so of course it has no effect.

Still, when Sendai-san, who can do anything, touches me, I feel like I receive about half of that power.

“Lend me your hand.”

Sendai-san comes closer.

I obediently extend my hand, and it is gently grasped.

Then, just like last time, her lips touch my fingertips.

I think it’s unfair how well this suits her.

Feeling somehow frustrated, I lightly pull her bangs.

The order of touching is different from before; her lips land on the second joint of my middle finger.

This won’t actually give me confidence, but it’s better than doing nothing.

Even if I can’t become like Sendai-san, the anxious urge to study disappears.

Her lips touch the base of my fingers.

Then something warm crawls across the back of my hand.

If it were a dog or cat licking my hand, I’d find it cute.

But with Sendai-san, I don’t feel it’s cute.

A different feeling is in my heart.

That’s probably because I don’t look at her with the pure feeling I have toward animals.

I strongly wish she wouldn’t do this with anyone else.

It should be fine if only I can feel Sendai-san’s warmth like this.

The tongue that was licking the back of my hand moves away, and my palm is kissed.

But it’s just once; Sendai-san immediately raises her face.

“Finished?”

When I ask, my hand is squeezed tightly.

I don’t squeeze back.

But when I don’t shake it off either, Sendai-san says, “Not yet.”

Without asking permission, the sleeve of my hoodie is rolled up to around my elbow.

I stare at her, and her lips are pressed against the inside of my arm and sucked hard.

It hurts like being stabbed with needles.

It feels like countless needles are flowing into my body from where her lips are attached.

A pain that should be minor feels intense.

The needles travel through my blood, gather in my heart, and keep pricking.

Her lips move away, shift position, and are pressed again.

As expected, the pain feels excessive.

Sendai-san leaves two marks and raises her face.

“Is this a charm too?”

I know it isn’t a charm, but when I ask, she immediately answers, “It’s a charm.”

The marked areas are hot.

Sendai-san kisses one of the two marks and pulls my sleeve down.

“Does this charm really work?”

“It does. Trust me.”

“I can’t trust it because it’s you, Sendai-san.”

I can’t believe marks that disappear quickly become a charm.

If the marks lasted until the announcement day, maybe I could believe it, but they won’t last that long.

“It’ll be fine. Trust me once in a while.”

Sendai-san says it irresponsibly.

“If I fail, will you take responsibility?”

“Sure.”

“How?”

“You decide, Miyagi.”

Sendai-san always refuses to decide herself.

She leaves everything to me.

But that was probably just a joke and not serious, so thinking seriously about how she should take responsibility would be stupid.

There’s no point responding seriously, so I decide to end the break and pick up my pen.

But the pen I grab is snatched by Sendai-san.

“What? The charm is over, right?”

“It’s not over. There’s still more.”

Saying that, Sendai-san runs her fingertip across my lips.

“What you’re about to do now definitely isn’t a charm.”

I grab Sendai-san’s wrist and move her hand away.

“It is a charm.”

“You just want to kiss, Sendai-san.”

“…”

Sendai-san neither denies nor confirms my words.

Since she silently reaches out to touch my lips again, I push her body back.

“Miyagi.”

She calls my name, and even though I haven’t said she can continue the charm, Sendai-san brings her face closer.

So I bring my face closer too and bump my forehead against hers.

A dull thud echoes in my head.

“Ow!”

Sendai-san cries out loudly and presses her forehead.

Of course, I press my forehead too.

“Miyagi, are you an idiot? That hurts.”

“It’s your fault, Sendai-san. It hurt me too.”

I didn’t mean to hit hard.

But my forehead hurts more than I expected.

“I’m not responsible if that impact made you forget everything you studied.”

“Even if I forget, I’ll study again. Also, I won’t meet you until my exams are completely over.”

“Huh, what? Harassment?”

“No.”

Not calling her until all the exams are over isn’t something I just decided now.

I’ve been thinking about it since yesterday.

“Until all the exams are over” is quite a while, right?

“Yes, but I need to study.”

“Not together?”

Sendai-san asks in a slightly lower voice.

“Alone. You have exams too, Sendai-san.”

It’s not that I can’t study with Sendai-san.

She’ll teach me anything I ask, and it’s more fun than being alone.

But right now I want to do what I can by myself.

“…Got it. We both have to do this properly.”

Sendai-san makes an unhappy face and closes my reference book that was spread on the table.

She closes my notebook too and puts the pen and eraser back in the pencil case.

“Sendai-san, I’m continuing now.”

I open the closed reference book and notebook.

But Sendai-san closes my reference book and notebook again.

“Hey, Miyagi.”

I don’t answer.

I don’t want to reply to a Sendai-san who interferes like this.

“Instead of a charm, order me to kiss you.”

Sendai-san grabs my hand.

“I won’t.”

“We won’t meet for a while, right?”

“So what?”

“Don’t you want to, Miyagi?”

“I’m fine without it.”

“I see.”

She says it in a bored way, lets go of my hand, and leans against the bed.

Then she says nothing more. Usually she corners me until I have no choice but to give an order, yet today she backs down so easily it feels creepy.

That’s why I end up saying this.

“If you want to do it that much, then do it.”

“Is that an order?”

“You want me to order it, right, Sendai-san?”

No answer comes.

Instead, Sendai-san moves away from the bed she was leaning on and brings her face close to mine.

Before our lips, her hand touches my cheek and gently strokes it.

Our eyes meet.

Even when I stare back, she doesn’t close her eyes, so I close mine first, and our lips touch.

It feels like it’s been a long time since we kissed.

Her lips are softer than the hand touching my cheek and feel good.

When Sendai-san immediately pulls away and tries to kiss again, I push her shoulders.

“Miyagi.”

“That’s the end.”

I say it shortly, tightly grip my own arm,

and open the reference book and notebook that Sendai-san had closed.